The Creeper.

The creeper actually does have a name. It’s something weird. Even if we could remember it….we still probably wouldn’t use it.

Actual Height 5’10

Has tattoos and rides a motorcycle +2
Tattoos are of meaningless, random, faux tribal symbols -1
Says South Florida too much -1
Works as a chef +2
In a restaurant doomed for failure -1
Has no friends…really -4
Always calls you the next day +1
Even when you yell at him to get the fuck out of your car and puke in the driveway (Let’s go ahead and call this one a draw)
Extremely attentive +1
In a way that makes you want to take out a restraining order -5
Always lights your cigarette +1
By sprinting halfway across the bar -4
Makes strong eye contact +1
With the back of your head -3
All night -2
Capable of teaching you the meaning of the word “step” +1
By actually having a random girl step to you -10
Ballsy enough to continue to show his face in public +2
Stupid enough to continue attempting to talk to you -4


The creepers datable height is actually 3’10. I almost feel as if I’ve been nice.

One more necessary point: Creepy as he is, he has provided hours and hours of entertainment (at his expense) to pretty much everyone else. There is something to be said about the gift of laughter. I’m just glad I could take one for the team.